“Shows good potential but fails to apply himself”.
I have lost count of the number of times I read or heard this statement, or any of the myriad versions of it, being spoken in reference to me by my parents, my teachers, my relatives, my coaches as I was growing up. Everybody believed I was full of possibility but a failure at focusing and executing.
This stigma was echoed by so many of the grown ups in my life that it saturated the air I breathed and, at a certain point, I came to believe that it was indeed who I was. A failed underachiever who would never accomplish anything even remotely close to what he was capable of.
Yet, the fact was I simply wasn’t motivated to achieve the kinds of goals the world had deemed worthy of pursuing. I was motivated to explore my reality, the external world and the internal. I was motivated to muse on my own existence, to write poetry that channeled my inner conflict and angst. I was motivated to explore the full breadth of my emotional expression, through relationships with women and friends. I was motivated to observe how my trauma and my wounds would manifest in these relationships in unexpected ways and inevitably sabotage any joy I was privileged to have.
I wanted to observe, explore and understand my mind. It made no sense to me to set off in pursuit of a thousand goals without first comprehending the mind that would facilitate the journey. It’s like buying an expensive super car and never looking under the hood. I didn’t want to live my life merely getting from A to B, without first understanding the machinations of my own mind.
There are two ways to approach living a life. The first is by following a formula. The second is by trial and error.
The formulaic path is a straight one and is generally a smoother progression. Often one arrives fairly close to where one had intended to arrive. And one becomes the person one had intended on becoming.
The path of trial and error, on the other hand, is much more haphazard containing many detours, dead-ends, u-turns, roundabouts, back alleys, dirt roads, road blocks and circuitous routes. One rarely ever arrives where one imagined one would. And one almost never becomes the person they once might have imagined they would become.
Of the two, only one leads back to yourself. Of the two, only one reveals the full potential of what you are capable of manifesting. And that is the path of trial and error. Never the formulaic one.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Dark Knight of the Soul (formerly Advaitaholics Anonymous) to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.