Dancing Shiva

Musing on the nature of choice through fevered dreams and mystical visions

“Thank you for writing in such a lucid way about this human experience. I remember asking Adya about 25 years ago whether we have choice or not. He asked me how it felt to me in the particular situation I was in. I love how you say, "control is the other face of surrender." The mind says, "What?!" and the knowing says, "It is."”

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After a period of viral illness, I find myself feeling strong enough to sit at a desk and write again. Illness is a great teacher of how little control we actually have over our own bodies and minds. With my fever spiking to 42°C (108°F) for five days in a row, brought down only temporarily by a more than generous use of Tylenol, it became very evident to me that my body and my mind were on journeys of their own that had little to do with what I wanted.

My consciousness became dominated by fevered dreams during the nights in which I slept only intermittently, and sleep-deprived delirium during the days sparsely peppered with moments of brief lucidity. To add to the challenge, I spent my depleted reserves of energy supporting my family who were also sick, especially my wife who had been debilitated by a six-day migraine attack triggered by the virus that left her bed-ridden and unable to function.