I became enlightened on Friday.
If that statement looks absurd to you coming from me, you have no idea how absurd it feels to me coming out of my own mouth. In fact, it sounds downright idiotic.
I tried different ways of phrasing it less jarringly, but finally came to the conclusion that if one has to say something stupid-sounding one may as well say it as stupidly as it sounds. I’ve never been one to sugarcoat anything after all.
I say this fully realizing that it is like laying down a juicy zebra carcass in front of a pack of hungry wolves. There was a time, not very long ago, when I’d have been salivating at the head of the wolf pack, racing to tear the shit out of anyone with the audacity (and the foolishness) to make such a ludicrous statement. (As I type this, there is literally a voice in the back of my mind screaming “career-ending move!!! abort! abort!”).
Now that I’ve already made the first incision, may as well just seppuku the shit out of this, so here goes. I’m now going to proceed to break down exactly what I mean and the events as they transpired. I already know I’m going to butcher it because putting this into words feels like trying to thread a needle with a dildo. But I’m compelled to do so anyways, by a kamikaze urge that I can’t explain. There is no choice. I ask that you be patient and bear with me. Take this all, not with a pinch, but a spoonful of salt.
The morning after I wrote my last post, I opened my eyes and everything was different… yet somehow the same. I was suddenly, powerfully and totally aware that the one who was looking, who had ALWAYS been looking was I - Awareness. And I realized that I, awareness, have always been free - unconditionally and eternally. I have been free to be, free to lose myself, free to laugh, free to cry, free to wonder, free to rage, free to sleep, free to wake, free to relax, free to worry, free to move, free to struggle. I, awareness, flow (and have ALWAYS flowed) unconditionally into myriad expressions. Sometimes I flow into the mind and I become Shiv, his personality, his thoughts, his moods, his attitudes, his resistances, his ease, his wisdom, his foolishness, his likes, his dislikes, his desires, his revulsions etc. Sometimes I flow into being and I am no longer Shiv nor his personality - I become presence itself. Yet, I, awareness, am neither being nor mind. I am the true free agent that becomes both but am neither.
This reminds me of Bruce Lee’s famous interview where he stated - “If you put water in a bottle it becomes the bottle, if you put water in a cup it becomes the cup.” When I flow into mind, I become the mind. And when I flow into presence, I become presence. I am flowing constantly.
There is no choice in flowing - just like the water in a river doesn’t choose the path it takes through a canyon. My mind is that canyon. My mind is the landscape carved by karma. And I, awareness, flow through it effortlessly - gently eroding that landscape as I pass through it, by my very nature, just as water erodes rock without willing to do so, carving deeper into it until the shape of the canyon itself gradually transforms over millennia.
Being is the ocean of existence. Yet here also, the journey of water doesn’t end. It simply evaporates from the surface, becomes rain and descends on the earth once more to undertake new journeys through other canyons. It is an endless self-sustaining cycle and there is no one running the show. Awareness flows in these endless cycles between being and mind, mind and being.
That day of my realization, my body buzzed with energy and I felt euphoric. I realized how, until this point, my perspective, my wisdom, my understanding had been half-baked. Now, I had come out of the oven fully-baked and steaming like a hot-cross bun. I was ecstatic. I spent the whole day marveling at the world - everything just clicking into place like it had never done before. Aha-moment after aha-moment - I must have resembled a goldfish to anyone watching. Fortunately, I was alone for most of the day.
The next day, Saturday, however, was a different matter altogether. I woke up, the mind in a total panic! Why? Because what else is a mind expected to do? When confronted with an unflinching realization that it has absolutely no control, realizing that there is no one at the wheel of this rusted jalopy that is heading for a cliff …
Yet bizarrely, underneath that panic was a deep sense of relaxation and amusement. It seemed strangely natural that the mind would react that way, how could it not! Over the morning, the panic turned into a heavy depression - one of the heaviest I’ve felt in the last year. Yet, curiously, I was simply a witness to it even as I was a participant. I dragged myself to the kitchen to cut, portion, bag and marinade 20 kgs (44 lbs) of chicken for my wife’s food truck as I’d promised her I would, even though every motion I made felt like I was performing it with a 100 pound lead suit on.
Somewhere, three hours into cutting the chicken I began laughing - mildly at first and then loudly and uncontrollably until I was doubling over at the humor of the situation, my sides aching. The dense fog began to lift. I found myself speaking directly to the mind out loud - “don’t worry, we ain’t getting rid of you”. In that moment, my mind relaxed. This amused me even more because I suddenly had the impression that it had been terrified it was going to get fired.
Then, came the gushing anxious thoughts - like a deluge from a dam that had just broken.
“What does this mean now?”
“What if my personality changes?”
“Will I be able to act ethically anymore?”
“What if I become just another crooked guru?”
“What if I abandon my family?”
“What if I can’t be a part of society anymore?”
Just the most inane (and childish) questions. Yet, they were all met by that same space of calm witnessing that was this new reality, where no judgment arose in response (nor did any answer to the questions arise either). This non-judgmental silence immediately relaxed the mind. I could almost hear it breathe a sigh of relief.
What is there to worry about? The mind is purely conditioned, purely programmed. It is a habitual creature. It just so happens that this particular mind has been fortunate to have some good programming. It is an innately conscientious, honest, intelligent, ethical and compassionate mind. I know this because I see how it interacts with the world, with people, with friends and family. It is loyal, it is faithful, it is empathetic. It is also rebellious, impulsive, undisciplined, lazy, arrogant, over-analytical and eccentric - and so gets itself into trouble quite a bit. But, all in all, it is not a mind prone to veer off into unethical directions - it is too conscientious for that. Life experience has grounded it well.
Notice I use all these qualities to describe the mind, because I, awareness, am none of these things. I am completely ambivalent about what happens. But when I flow as the mind, I become all of it. I do not choose when to flow into mind and when to ebb from it - just like the ocean doesn’t choose to break onto the beach or to retreat from it.
Once its fear had subsided, I watched the mind become excited.
“What now?”
“I should never speak about this to anyone, they will think I’m crazy!”
“Waitaminute, I sound like every neo-advaitic nutjob I’ve ever ridiculed. Am I one of them now?!”
“How am I going to write? What will my readers think? I can’t pretend nothing is different. But I’m going to sound like a total hypocrite if I confess what is actually happening to me!”
Yet, the reality is nothing is happening to the mind. The mind is still the mind, doing what it has always been programmed to do. Making much ado about nothing. It is programmed to maximize the survival of the body and it does this by using the “latest and greatest” information available to it. This new awakened perspective has both excited and terrified it. Like an anxious pup, it doesn’t know whether to wag its tail in happiness or fear. So, it is doing both for the time being. It is starting to build the scaffolding of an ‘enlightened ego’, its quite evident. What choice does it have? It is a reactionary creature.
The truth is the mind doesn’t awaken. The mind isn’t even alive. It is brought to life by awareness, just like a river is brought to life when water runs through it. When water flows through a canyon we call it “river”. When awareness flows through karma, we call it “mind”.
A human being has the possibility of three awakenings in a lifetime.
The first awakening is when awareness becomes aware of mind. This happens to all human beings, when they are around the age of two or three. That is when the ego first appears as the feeling: “I am Shiv”.
The second awakening happens to a smaller percentage of people. It happened to me at twenty-one (I have talked about this many times, so I won’t describe it here). This is when awareness becomes aware of being. Being comes to the forefront as the overwhelming sense of : “I am”. This was liberating for me, because prior to that I could only experience myself as my mind (thoughts, emotions, moods etc.) and since my mind was such a mess, I felt like there was no escaping the mess. Suddenly realizing my nature as being meant that I didn’t have to be limited to the mind anymore. I could choose!
Or so I thought…
Four months of awakened bliss later, I was right back in the mind wondering how the hell I’d fallen from grace. I spent the next ten years chasing the carrot of enlightenment, trying to get back “there”. Until I realized there is no way to get there and stay there. No one can just camp out in being. And the ones who tried became (as the Zen folks call it) “drunk on emptiness” - completely out of touch with life, its vitality and spontaneity. They became shriveled up figs.
No one abides in being.
Because I saw this phenomenon happening to so many people in spiritual circles, especially those who were into teachings of non-duality - I felt compelled to go on a crusade to caution people against the mindfuck they were getting themselves into. And so, I became “Advaitaholics Anonymous.” I lambasted the gurus, I exposed spiritual culture for the cesspool of wanton exploitation it was, I attacked the spiritual marketplace for selling word salads as wisdom, superficiality as substance and regurgitation as radical thinking. I challenged the idea of enlightenment, especially the idea that one could abide in that state of being, the “I am”.
I did this for several years (as you are aware), yet feeling all along that I was missing a significant piece of the puzzle of my own existence (as you may not be aware). I felt very secure in my antagonistic approach towards mainstream spirituality yet, over the past couple of years, I found my own resolve wavering as a gnawing sense of doubt began poking holes in my certitude. These feelings of doubt massively compounded six months ago when I lost my job.
My job had been the ultimate ego-boost. I was making good money for the first time in my life. I had defied all expectations and been promoted 5 times in 2 years, leaping through the rungs of the corporate ladder, I went from being a consultant to a vice-president effectively almost tripling my salary. I was firing on all cylinders - as a father, a husband, a provider, a writer. And then, it suddenly came crashing down.
At first, I responded with bravado, laughing and welcoming my fate. I was convinced I’d land something lucrative very soon. But one after another, doors kept closing. It was almost uncanny; interview after interview went better than I could have expected. Yet somehow, they always fell through at the last minute for random and often unrelated reasons. It didn’t make sense.
The months passed on. I took a trip, that I had already planned and paid for months prior, to Asia for two months with my family. I felt reluctant taking it, because I knew I would blow through my savings much faster while traveling yet I felt compelled to take it anyway. Traveling began opening me up in a way that I realized I had been closed off for a long time. Returning from the trip, I continued to have no luck finding work. Door after door kept closing in my face. My mind became more erratic and, desperate to regain some kind of psychological balance, I began meditating again.
A hypnotherapy session with a friend (that I wrote about in the article Heaven in Hell) triggered a release of pent up energy in me. My meditations intensified after this. That’s when the huge yo-yoing of moods and emotions began happening within me (that I wrote about in the article Lead to Gold). There were extended experiences of pure imperturbable being followed by long periods of deep mind-rooted suffering. Back and forth, back and forth it went. (I now realize that I was being actively shown the extremes that awareness can occupy so effortlessly). But at the time it was terribly confusing and disorienting. (I say “at the time” even though this was merely a few weeks ago. That is how rapidly things have been transforming).
It began coming to a head, as I described in my post Crossing the Desert in which I wrote: “I have not yet fully emerged, but I am emerging. I can feel it.”
Finally culminating in my last post Lessons Learned in which, I realize now, I was on the very cusp but didn’t realize it. Where I wrote:
“Can I learn to love my fate – that ruthless bitch who thrives on tantalizing me with her futilities and absurdities? Who lulls me into a false sense of peace and security only to yank the rug out from under my feet once again?
Yet, even in loving her I have no choice. For sometimes I do feel deep love for her. And sometimes she evokes only the deepest dread and revulsion.
And yet, the hope still lingers…
…and another cycle of futility is born.”
That admission of defeat, of surrender to the futility of my life, with full honesty may have triggered what happened next to me:
The third awakening. Awareness awakening to itself.
I realize now that I, awareness, have always been awake. It is as it has always been. Awareness, cannot abide as being or the mind.
I, Awareness, abide as myself.
The only difference is, now the mind is wise to it.
I now see, with total clarity, why this shift has been called the “gateless gate”. Nothing changes, yet everything has changed.
“What now?” asks the mind quite frequently since this occurred.
Nothing.
Awareness continues to aware.
Being continues to be.
Mind continues to mind everything that happens.
Nothing changes. Yet, everything has changed.
I don't know much about "enlightenment" but my wild psychotherapy experiences in the 80's lead me to experiences of what I call radical integrity. There was a golden moment at that time with psychedelics, Jungian subconscious exploration, and deep somatic Gestalt awareness of presence. Sadly it is gone, replaced by "evidence-based" cognitive behavioral bandaids designed to shortcut folks back into the fray.
I guess I am asking how much "awakening" is an asset before it becomes a liability as one becomes too radicalized to fit into the system anymore? I find I censor myself to fit in to society and am fully aware that "awakened" is not exactly mainstream and not highly esteemed in the job market. How does one monetize "awakened?"
I am old and retired now living my life as an eccentric pensioner. I am beginning to look like Gandalf so I can get away with acting more like him than I could before. I have honed a sense of irony which allows me to find some humor in the insanity swirling around me, but I am not sure whether "awakening" is a blessing or a curse. As Krishnamurti advised us: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." It is probably unhealthy to be "awakened" in a profoundly sick society.
I am excited for you and appreciate the clarity of your journey. I also fear for you in that "awakening" may alienate you from fitting into the mainstream. I have a pragmatic ambivalence about leaving the comforts of mass acceptance and inclusion. I constantly ask the question: how do I maintain integrity in a world so lacking thereof? Like your river water metaphor, I guess we just continue flowing knowing it is enough. Thanks for a glimpse into your flow today.
Welcome! Now... carry water shop wood.😉