True Intimacy

Relationship as a doorway to what is

“Shiv - how does your philosophy on inevitability fit in with your recent article on relational wisdom? If things are inevitable then what role does relationship actually play? Are we influencing each other in any real sense, or are we just participating in a process that was always going to happen anyway?”

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They say you should live each day as if it is your last. But I live it as if it is my first.

The past, the narrative arc that has brought me to this point - the challenges, the triumphs, the highs and lows - all fade like a distant dream the moment I awake. While my body may still contain the residue of past traumas, and my mind still files away images of past events, these remain in their repositories - historical archives of a character whose life story I am fated to play out. They are informational - I reference them as and when I need to, but they do not contribute to my experience of today in any meaningful way.

I also have little use for the future. I no longer imagine myself in it. I neither hold great aspirations for it nor harbor any secret dread. I figure when the future does arrive it will feel like today. I may be older, I may be grayer, I may be in more pain or discomfort - eventually those experiences will normalize. I may also be more alone - perhaps the relationships that are so integral to my life today will no longer be as central. Perhaps other relationships will come in to fill the void. Or not. Perhaps complete solitude will be the case. I am not so concerned.

My only real interest is in today and the relationships that provide it texture and context. For instance, it is a Monday today - a “writing day”. I woke up this morning - made breakfast for my daughters and packed their lunches before dropping them off at school. I will write all morning and post this article on Substack by the afternoon. Then, I’ll walk the dog before driving my daughters to their gymnastics training. My wife will come home from work, we will cook dinner and clean up together while discussing our day and other items of the month that require planning. Then, I will pick up the girls, give them their dinner on the ride back. Once they go to bed, my wife and I may catch an episode of one of our TV shows before bed.

The entire structure of my day is purely relational. My daughters, my readers, my dog, my wife - form the scaffolding of my reality. Without them I might be content to simply sit on a chair and gaze out of the window all day like my cat. All the activities I have described above, are equally meaningful to me. I do not value my spiritual writing as superior to my time spent walking the dog or washing dishes with my wife. What makes these activities meaningful is not their content but in the fact that they are relational.

I am attempting to answer your question here not through rhetoric but via demonstration. The inevitability of being is palpable to me. I do not concern myself with what was or what will be. I am interested only in what is and fully meeting it in each moment without argument. That is not to say I am averse to conflict or resistance. Yet, even when that conflict arises it is merely with the content not the context. It is a superficial response to the appearance of what-is - not a refusal to accept what-is. For example, my younger daughter tends to dillydally in the mornings often causing us to be late to school as a result. I understand that trait well since I am a famous dillydallier myself. And in the moment the inevitability of her dragging her feet is all too evident. Yet, that does not stop me from putting on my stern dad mask and reminding her that being consistently late to school will result in a loss of TV privileges. Here the resistance is relational not fundamental.

The inevitable and the relational are two facets of the same. One is the context and the other is the content. The problem is, most people have very little awareness of the context. To them, the content is all there is. And without a deeper foundational context to ground that content, they fall prey to the whimsical ways in which life unfolds. Relationships become transactional because they are used as survival strategies rather than opportunities to develop intimacy with what-is. For when one is grounded in inevitability, relationships become a way to experience that inevitability intimately.

Previously, I mentioned how I can be quite content to sit and gaze in silence out of the window. There is an intimacy that such silence generates. It dissolves the boundaries between what I call ‘myself’ and ‘the world’ - until all that is left is silence, in and as all things. Yet, when I walk my dog in nature that same inevitability has a completely different flavor to it. And when I am cooking with my wife, that moment carries its own signature quality. And when I’m horsing around with the kids, the experience has its own unique vibe.

The same inevitability shows up as diverse experiences of intimacy. This universal beingness expresses itself in so many forms. This is why inevitability and relational wisdom are so intricately linked. Because without directly grasping the inevitability of the moment, true intimacy is not possible. You will always believe you are somewhat separate from what is happening - and that separation is created by the idea that something else can/might/should be happening. As long as you harbor any set notions of what life is supposed to be, you can never fully meet it as it is.

And yet, that inevitability cannot be adhered to as some set standard either. If I were to simply force myself to sit on a chair and gaze out of the window all day, while ignoring my family, animals, and acquaintances - I would really be in a state of denial. Beingness has no form - it shows up as intimacy with what-is. And what-is is almost always a person, place, thing or event. So, when what-is is the laptop and keyboard as it is now, my attention is fully present with each word as I type it onto the screen. And as these words appear, they feel inevitable.

That is not to say however, that feelings of alienation, depression and isolation are not possible. As are frustration, fear or insecurity. Yet, there in an inevitability to these emotions too when they visit me. There is little sense that ‘these should not be happening’. The content of what they are attempting to communicate need not be true yet the fact of their existence is inarguable. Being is the case here too. And so an intimacy even with these difficult emotions is possible.

To truly feel alienation. To truly sink into depression. Without holding it at bay or wishing it away. To truly be submerged in the fear without flailing against it. And yet, if flailing is happening, then to flail with abandon. To be truly intimate with the flailing…

To relate to what-is not merely at the level at which its content unfolds, but in a way that is intimate and rooted in context. This is relational wisdom. It is the capacity to use whatever is happening as a portal into the present. Even if what is happening is painful, abhorrent or uncomfortable. Our portals need not look peaceful. Anger is a portal. Fear is a portal. Shame is a portal.

We have been enculturated to treat these emotions as ‘closed doors’ rather than to use them as doorways. As a proof that something is “wrong” or that we are “not on the right path”. Yet, the path is pathless. The only step that ever counts is this one. And if this step looks like anger - then so be it. And if it looks like shame - then so be it.

When you truly become intimate with the experience - no matter how difficult it may be - the underlying inevitability of that moment reveals itself. You see that this moment is as it is and there is no other way it can be. And that is what makes it perfect and whole. Thus, anger, fear, shame act as portals into the realization of that perfection - just as joy, love and equanimity do. It doesn’t matter how you arrive at the here-and-now. Whether by hook or by crook. Whether through the elevator or the sewers. All paths lead to this moment and thus all paths are viable options.

This is relational wisdom. The realization that intimacy reveals the inevitability of each moment - as perfect and whole. That even in the midst of loss, grief, suffering - that wholeness is visible, awaiting recognition just beneath the surface of whatever is happening.

This conflicts deeply with the binary view we have been taught to hold - that only harmony, virtue and goodness promote wholeness while suffering, fear and pain do not. That is because we are accustomed to relating to content without deeper context. For it is the context that unites these false binaries and collapses the distinction between them.

Relational wisdom recognizes that without context, the content is rendered meaningless. True intimacy is altogether impossible. When I hang out with my wife, I recognize that it is the beingness of the moment that has taken on the form of me and my wife hanging out. And when we argue, it is that same beingness taking on another form. Both experiences can be just as intimate as long as one is not completely identified with the level at which the content unfolds. Frustration and disagreement can be just as effective portals into the present as humor and enjoyment. Both can act as doorways to the wholeness of the moment.

The focus shifts from what-is-happening to the recognition that it is happening.

And this frees us both to relate to one another fluidly. Without set expectations or rigid standards. Our disagreements rarely last long. And very little unresolved energy remains trapped within our nervous systems. Untethered to the content - we become free to experience all the ways things happen between us as different forms of intimacy. And in this way our relationship continues to deepen. It utilizes every experience as a portal into presence. Because we recognize that we are not tied to each other. We are more fundamentally bonded to what-is.

Relational wisdom is not about creating bonds between self and other. It is about recognizing that self and other are always two different faces of what-is - and rooting our relationships in a mutual intimacy with its wholeness.