Earlier today, I was driving on a two-lane highway that narrowed to a single lane at a certain point, with signs clearly marking the upcoming end of the right lane and indicating to cars to merge safely onto the single lane. As I began merging well before my lane ended, I watched in my rearview mirror as a minivan, that was a fair distance behind me in the left lane, began speeding up suddenly as if to try and prevent me from merging. When I had completed the merge, the minivan was still a few car lengths behind me, but the driver continued to speed up approaching me rapidly.
The driver then swerved out of the left lane into the right lane, which had now nearly ended, overtaking me aggressively on the shoulder and then swerved back into my lane in front of me, abruptly cutting me off. This person then proceeded to brake check me by hitting their brakes hard causing me to have to urgently hit mine. Finally, the driver threw both arms up wildly flipping both middle fingers at me and hitting the brakes a couple of more times just to make a point.
What that point was, I wasn’t quite sure. Since, I had neither overtaken this person, nor cut them off. I had merely merged onto their lane while considerably ahead at a speed the rest of the traffic in front of me was going at (which happened to be the maximum threshold of 20km/h over the speed limit!). I took the license plates down just in case the car tried to pull another stunt. The minivan then proceeded to overtake multiple cars ahead of it and then raced off at a speed significantly over the limit.
About 20 minutes later, as I pulled into town, I saw the same minivan - apparently stuck behind a convoy of slow moving vehicles that it evidently wasn’t able to get around. The driver pulled into a plaza and parked as I sat in traffic at a stop sign watching from a distance. The driver side door opened and an elderly man, in his seventies, overweight and in visible pain, stepped out of the car using a crutch. He did not appear to have a broken leg, but seemed to use the crutch due to age-related mobility issues. He grimaced, brows furrowed, and cursed to himself as he slammed the minivan door shut, then hobbled onto the pavement wincing.
In that moment, I understood that his road rage had had nothing to do with me. His rage was towards himself, his own life, his circumstances, his pain. Because life had virtually immobilized him, he took out his frustrations behind the wheel of the car, driving at unsafe speeds, treating other drivers as if they were slow and a nuisance to him. Perhaps, he was merely projecting onto them how he felt he appeared to others.
Instead of anger, I felt compassion for him. For, I know how many times in my own life I have acted out of deep pain, frustration and helplessness. It does not justify the actions of rage, but it provides a context through which to understand it.
Suffering in life is inevitable. There is no way to get rid of it. Any attempt to deny, avoid or bypass it inadvertently ends up creating more suffering, for ourselves and those around us. Reacting to that suffering with rage, fear, helplessness or hatred also perpetuates more suffering both within ourselves and the environment.
Then how does one see, think, feel and act in a manner that does not create more suffering in this world?
This is the real spiritual question. Too many seekers and teachers are preoccupied with finding ways of allegedly “transcending” suffering.
There is no transcending suffering.
If you have a body and a brain, you WILL suffer. Period.
Spiritual maturity results when this actuality is accepted as plain as the light of day. Suffering is a fact of life.
However, what is of true import is the relationship we build with suffering.
What is the value we give to suffering? Is it purely a negative attribute? Or are we able to glean a positive benefit from it as well?
What is the nature of suffering? Is it fundamentally life denying? Or can we experience it as life affirming as well?
What is the use of suffering? Does it exist to merely lay waste to our lives, our dreams and aspirations? Or does it provide opportunities to learn and grow in ways we ourselves may not have been capable of?
The manner in which you relate to suffering directly influences whether you will perpetuate more suffering in yourself and the world, or whether you will mitigate it.
To become an “agent of pain” or an “agent of peace” - this is the choice put to us in any given moment of any given day.
And it is ironic, that it is through opposition, resistance and avoidance of pain that we become its biggest ambassadors. Whereas when we approach pain and suffering unflinchingly, openly, with curiosity and a true desire to permit it into our lives - saying, “You too are worthy of having a place in my world” - then suffering transmutes into something else entirely.
It is still suffering, it is still painful, yet it also becomes much much more than that. It becomes a path of evolution, a vehicle for exploring our own depths, a lens through which we develop compassion for others, a mirror in which our own delusions are systematically revealed to us and a springboard that allows us to make quantum leaps of consciousness.
If it weren’t so fucking unbearable we would all embrace it with tears of joy and open arms for the miracle it really is. But life isn’t set up to be that easy. It is always the bitter pill that heals. The searing flames that forge the sword. The unrelenting heat and pressure of the Earth’s mantle that forms the diamond.
Our nervous systems are designed to avoid pain at all costs. Every instinct within exists to keep us perpetually seeking people, places, experiences and circumstances that will mitigate and minimize the degree of pain and suffering we will experience. This is most evident in our contemporary global model of consumerist societies that are predicated upon promoting comfort, convenience and ease as the highest aspirations of humankind. And yet, it is only through pain and suffering that we truly evolve.
Are you an agent of pain or an agent of peace?
Peace is not something one can approach directly. If you try, you will get the cheap knock-off version. And that version is what all the spiritual peddlers you see around you are selling you.
You cannot approach peace for its own sake.
So, whether you are meditating to find it, or being mindful to find it, or serving others to find it, or just trying not to be a plain dickhead to find it - all your efforts are directed in the wrong direction.
For, those who seek peace do so to avoid suffering. And, as we have established, avoiding suffering only perpetuates it.
And therefore, the second great irony of life is that seeking peace inadvertently makes you an agent of PAIN, not an agent of peace.
Peace must be a byproduct. Never a goal.
Agents of peace are those who have learned to make peace with their own suffering. They have learned to make peace with the suffering of those they love. They have learned to make peace with the suffering in the world.
And by “making peace with suffering” I am not talking about simply tolerating it. I am talking about deeply embracing it, letting it in, allowing it to ravage their insides until their beings are hollowed out like empty vessels ready to be filled with something far more potent than their own self-importance … love. That elixir of existence.
Peace is merely a byproduct. It dawns in their lives gradually, quietly, without much fanfare - barely noticeable.
For all the attention is directed towards suffering - witnessing it, learning from it, allowing it in, letting it work its magic.
All the attention is directed towards cultivating the art of learning how to suffer.
I would suggest that the "art" of suffering has much to do with becoming comfortable with the grieving process. Suffering doesn't simply stand alone but is entangled with a series of stages of being. Suffering is something one can manage or perfect, but an acceptance of deep process of transformation.
"Whereas when we approach pain and suffering unflinchingly, openly, with curiosity and a true desire to permit it into our lives - saying, “You too are worthy of having a place in my world” - then suffering transmutes into something else entirely.
It is still suffering, it is still painful, yet it also becomes much much more than that. It becomes a path of evolution, a vehicle for exploring our own depths, a lens through which we develop compassion for others, a mirror in which our own delusions are systematically revealed to us and a springboard that allows us to make quantum leaps of consciousness." This "path" mirrors the concepts of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her famous stages of grief - denial, bargaining, anger, surrender, and acceptance.
Yes, her "stages" are theoretical and non-linear, but they are helpful in providing a road map of the energy pathways when one is confronted with a loss either literally or figuratively. The first reaction generally involves the first three stages - denial, bargaining, anger. These are all 'Yang' stances of aggression (active or passive) and assertiveness. We plant our feet and activate our ego defenses in an attempt to cheat fate. Living in our modern hyper-Yang culture we get a lot of support for being assertive and staying stuck in a futile loop of suffering without relief.
But eventually, our Yang fuel tank runs dry and we resign ourselves to surrendering to the moment and an energy shift occurs from aggression to humility. Our ego gave it our best shot and lost. To paraphrase Leonard Cohen: "Everything has to crack, that's how the light gets in."
It is in this state of egoless grace that the miracle of death and rebirth occurs. It is dark and mysterious like a pregnancy - an embrace of powerful Yin energies of transmutation. After a period of gestation, we begin to feel the stirrings of what we are becoming and we open to the compassionate embrace of our new selves.
Suffering is just the beginning of a process of deep shifts both energetically and spiritually. If we can learn to embrace this powerful Yin aspect of ourselves, we can find a path to more compassion, understanding, and resilience. Thank you Shiv for your story and insights.
What synchronicity is this? As I began to read your work, my sister calls to discuss one of her close friends that engages in such “agent of pain” behaviour. I chatted with her for at least 30 minutes, explaining how her friend projects emotional negativity to her loved ones, expecting them to share in her misery of suffering. I returned to finish consuming your essay, which seemed to emphasise the theme of my conversation with my sister. To have those moments of opportunity in being empathetic in understanding human behaviour is a characteristic I seek to embrace with every rising of the sun. Good writing in your message.