The Killer Within
The Buddha wasn't a pushover and why equanimity isn't what it looks like
“As someone who has struggled with anger issues, I appreciated reading your article True Equanimity. This line in particular stood out for me:
“Which is why equanimity need not necessarily look like tranquility. It can also look like resistance, even rage.”
Now I know my own anger does not come from a place of equanimity. Then how can you tell the difference? What is the difference between plain anger and awakened anger?”
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I recently watched a video of two grizzly bears in a fight. The fight was brutal, intense, and lasted for nearly twenty minutes. By the end of it both bears were nearly finished - barely able to remain erect. Yet, this sort of aggression is not common only among predators. I have seen ducks battle one another just as viciously. Spiders, crows, worms, even plants. The territorial instinct is deeply embedded in all of Nature’s creatures. And human beings are no different.
Aggression is how boundaries are established and maintained. We see aggression everywhere in nature. In the plant kingdom, among insects, in animals and in humans. That instinct is as powerful as any other instinct we possess - as rudimentary as a mother’s instinct to protect her young. That instinct cannot simply be sanitized away. Not through good behaviour, ethical principles, or spiritual practice.
Any attempt to do so leads to a form of bypassing - either through suppression or denial. And suppressing this natural aggression then leads to mutated expressions of it. It leads to cruel and controlling behaviour. It leads to passive aggression and self-loathing. It leads to negativity and criticism.
What we call ‘anger’ is a uniquely human trait. Animals don’t express anger. They express aggression. Aggression, as I mentioned, is Nature’s boundary-setting tool. And once the boundary is set, the aggression is no longer necessary. Yet, in the human world, boundary-setting is a much more complex process.
We have physical boundaries, psychological boundaries, emotional boundaries, social boundaries, relationship boundaries. Yet, we are taught from a young age that aggression is an inappropriate and unethical response. That aggression needs to be outsourced to authority figures - parents, teachers, police, courts of law - to establish those boundaries between us.
So, for example, if one sibling is violating another sibling’s boundaries, it is not appropriate for the second sibling to act out with aggression. It is expected that they approach the parents to mediate and re-establish those boundaries. The same is true of citizens who may act in a similar manner - their conflicts are mediated in court. Aggression of any kind is punishable by law. In other words, a certain degree of state-sponsored aggression is permissible, yet aggression by an individual is not.
The problem of course is that such third-party mediation is not always successful. Most boundary violations go unacknowledged and unreported. Parents don’t have the time to listen to the petty squabbles between siblings. Teachers aren’t paid enough to resolve every minor conflict between students. And the state simply lacks the funding and the bandwidth to reconcile every minor grievance between parties.
And then there are the boundary violations caused by authority figures themselves. I am not even talking of overt exploitation or oppression. I am speaking of the negligence that inevitably results from humans being subjected to imperfect systems. Take my two daughters for example, who are four years apart. They are both perpetually complaining how it “isn’t fair” that one sibling gets certain privileges that the other doesn’t. And while my wife and I explain to them that their privileges (and responsibilities) are appropriate to their ages, my older daughter rightly points out that she did not have the same freedoms that her younger sister does when she was her age. Again, I have to remind her that she did not grow up with an older sibling to compare herself to and so it is not always an apples to apples comparison. Yet, I secretly recognize that parenting is more of an art than a science and the systems we create are often more intuitively felt that efficiently deployed.
In other words, boundaries are being violated through a certain negligence on our part as parents. As conscientious and involved as we are - compared to our own parents whose own violations make ours pale in comparison - we are not perfect. And yet, we do not accept physical or emotional aggression between our children.
As in the family, so also in society. When we elect our leaders we do so on a certain expectation of fair boundaries being maintained. Reasonable wages for our efforts. A manageable cost of living and affordable housing. Yet, when we begin to see runaway inflation, higher taxes, a hire-and-fire work culture, astronomical housing costs, escalating interest rates - all while corporations get bailouts and tax breaks, lower interest rates and government grants - this registers in the nervous system as a boundary violation.
Remember, the human nervous system is not all that different from that of a bear’s. We may have this thing called the prefrontal cortex bolted onto it to help it regulate - but there is only that much regulation it is capable of. And often what we call ‘regulation’ is just a form of displacement. It is a redirection of an emotional or instinctual energy in a direction that will not cause damage.
Anger is displaced aggression.
When a boundary is violated and aggression is not an option, our instinct is to seek justice. Justice is simply the outsourcing of boundary-setting to authority figures. Yet, if that justice is not appropriately served, that aggression remains unexpressed and turns to anger.
Anger reminds us that a boundary was violated and we were helpless to do anything about it. It is a prolonged nervous-system protest against impotence.
This is why anger can be so toxic to the system. Because it communicates to the nervous system that it is helpless - and being helpless, its survival is in danger. That is why when in a state of anger - everyone and everything appears to be a threat.
Imagine you are driving on the road and are aggressively cut off by another driver who swerves into your lane without warning. You may instinctively slam your hand on the horn. What does that action symbolize? Blaring the horn is an act of aggression that communicates to the other driver that they have violated a boundary. Or perhaps, you may refrain from sounding the horn and just choose not to react, because you believe yourself to be above such reactions. You may create some narrative of the other driver being a reactive fool, while you are much more in charge of your emotions and therefore have no need to stoop to his level.
Yet, the creation of this narrative is itself a form of displaced anger. It is a form of cynicism that generates a sense of superiority to buffer against the feelings of helplessness the anger creates. The anger is still very much present and it is still communicating helplessness to the nervous system. Except, the narrative mind attempts to override it by generating a superior state of identity.
Cynicism, sarcasm, complaint, passive aggression, superiority, even “spiritual egotism” are ways in which this unexpressed anger, that generates a feeling of helplessness, expresses itself when aggression is not an option. And when expressing it towards the world fails - the only other option is to express it inwards. To internalize it - through feelings of unworthiness, shame, self-loathing and self-criticism. The aggression, finding no outlet, turns inwards.
Spiritual cultures like Buddhism and Non-duality are especially prone - since these are philosophies based upon non-separation. No separation means no boundaries - which creates a conundrum for practitioners. Their nervous systems are designed to require the establishing of boundaries - yet their minds are hooked onto a philosophy that denies boundaries exist!
What you end up with are boundary violations of an order of magnitude that aren’t often seen in society. Levels of exploitation and abuse, control and manipulation - that simply would not be tolerated in everyday life. When aggression is pathologized and boundaries are seen as flaws - the feeling of helplessness that generates within seekers is immense.
Which is why seekers are so prone to spiritual bypassing, developing spiritual egos, and attempting to “fully surrender”. When their boundaries are violated by teachers, rather than express rage - they experience shame. That anger is turned inwards - into a sense of ‘there is something wrong with me’.
Anger when unexpressed shows up in deviant ways. When a school bully picks on a smaller child, it is because they are attempting to reintroduce a sense of safety into their own nervous system. They are unconsciously trying to offset the feeling of helplessness and threat flooding their nervous systems by displaying dominance in the hopes that such behaviour will trick the nervous system into feeling safe.
And so it is often the case, that when our boundaries are violated and we are helpless to do anything about it, we retaliate by violating the boundaries of others. And if we cannot do that successfully, then we turn that anger inwards and violate our own boundaries - through shame, self-hatred, negative self-talk - even suicide.
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This brings me to your original question of equanimity.
