“Joy witnessing joy. Love witnessing love. The horror and hilarity of our absurd shared predicament on full display. And all we can do is laugh uproariously.”
For years I participated in depth psychotherapy enthusiastic about moving the refrigerator and exploring all the plumbing. I did this for years finally resigning myself to endless “gunk-seeking” giving up hope of ever being “done.” then, one day in a group therapy session I noticed that I was bored. I knew I was “done.”
Psychologist Donald Winnicott came up with a term in child psychology - “good enough” parenting. One doesn’t have to be a perfect parent to raise a healthy child, but humanly good enough to supply the basics and trust the child to fill in the rest. My body told me that I had hit that personal “good enough” level and my soul wanted to stop the maniacal striving for perfection and simply be OK, comfortable in my skin.
Is there gunk still under my fridge and clogging my pipes, sure. But, it is at a communally acceptable level of human wretchedness so as to be still connected with my humanity. I was “good enough”, I was “done.” I trust that if the bile and unprocessed sewage accumulate, I will recognize the stench and instinctively do something about it. One can be done well enough and know that is an extraordinary accomplishment. Some are called to be monks and mystics before they’re done, but most of us are not called to that level of spiritual hygiene. We’re simply satisfied being a good human and avoiding causing harm to others.
Rightly so, John. ‘Done’ is an arbitrary and relative point we each select for ourselves when it feels appropriate. There is no absolute. The rabbit hole goes on forever
Yes, there is a rational concept of done and a subconscious “sense” of balance and completion. One can’t “know” they’re done, but they can sense when reaching a point of “good enough” for the moment. Thanks for the wonderful prompt. 🙏
Love this Shiv. I got sidetracked by this notion I'd heard in spiritual circles, of "liberation"
I feel lucky that I met a guy called Joe Hudson (not a guru, but has woken up) whom said "hey. You're still humaning" And then found people like you, and Robert Saltzman.
My own conclusion I came to, as an antidote to "liberation" is...I'm also never done with sweaty armpits....
I've had 3 years of undoing lots of conditioning. Meeting my pain, dropping identities, undoing limiting beliefs. I am, or the first time in my life, happy to be in my own skin.
Am I "done" ???
No. Life happens. Heartbreak still happens.
But guess what ? Nobody needs an umbrella on a sunny day.
In years gone by, those days when everything went wrong, my conditioning would automatically mean I'd double down on vicious self talk, and self hatred, beliefs that I was worthless, etc etc.
These days. If its one of those "rainy days"
I have my metaphorical umbrella of actually liking, and loving myself.
Thats my own version of done.
And I still feel humbled and grateful for it, after living my life wanting to escape.
"inner work" ? Maybe it's exhausting because you see it as a work. See it as an exploration. Stop to "work on yourself", stop trying to "improve". Just see what you are, just be it, without judging it. Explore it. Explore the surface, explore the sewers, to take Shiv'analogy. Don't try to build something, just explore what's already there.
Reading your marvelous text as a starter this morning on a vacation at an Italian seaside resort, being touched and having a good laugh, I dare say: My day is done ;-)
I love this, too…. I recall crying about something you(I) would cry about and laughing at the same time when recognizing that you(I) can’t escape the cycle of experience. It freed up a lot of energy to let go and rinse and repeat. Thanks Shiv💗🙏🌎
‘“I will NEVER be done!” Very few people arrive at this realization. Even fewer survive the wave of nihilism that sweeps over them like a tsunami right after, desecrating their worldview and leaving their lives barren of hope and motivation. Fewer still, find a way to tolerate their existence afterwards and to create some artificial purpose for it. And finally, only a handful learn to feel joy again.’
Beautifully articulated sobering slap in the face. We can’t escape from being hopelessly human.
👌we could say that these days you work better in parables😉 several years ago I had to stop my work as a psychologist to have time to process all the gunk that was present to me every time I had a new patient or every time some would't let go of their gunk. Now I simple acknowledge: we will never be Done. "mi gunk es su gunk"
"There is simply NO done." Agree - there is only and ever doing or non-doing (wu wei) in the Eternal Now. I would expect that even aspiring to be done is likely dysfunctional for most people.
Allow me to go further and propose that trying to improve oneself to reach an envisioned state of enlightenment, peace, happiness well-adjustment, or just "being a better person" is problematic. Following Alan Watts' formulation of the challenge as the "folly of self-improvement," i.e., the impossibility of the I pulling up the Me by their mutual bootstraps, one might consider not trying to remove the "stench" at all. Don't spend time finding and fixing problems with the floor, cabinets, refrigerator, pipes, and sewer. Why not, as Cedric suggests, just explore - or simply "observe" as Watts counsels.
Perhaps the way of non-doing the inner work also yields the "joy has come from learning to LOVE the stench of existence." Perhaps with this approach the "stench" (our judgment of the odor/human condition) evaporates. Shiv, in my view there are many paths to the realization and joy that you've have found and written about so eloquently. I'm certain that the relentless pursuit of inner work as you describe it is the path many follow. But as you describe, most pursue it unsuccessfully.
I would guess that most attempts at non-doing or sincerely abandoning the goal of self-improvement (however the individual defines it) are equally challenging and unsuccessful. It is certainly antithetical to Western culture. But for some people it might be a better alternative than relentless inner work. For many, it might be only after having repeatedly doing the inner work without success that the resulting sense of futility renders the non-doing path viable.
Shiv, I would value your thoughts on this. I should also note that Watts, like you, holds out no promise or hope of ever being "done" if one adopts the non-doing approach.
Noel - yes there is no requisite to explore the sewers. One can just as well simply bear the stench of existence with a smile. The exploration is more about curiosity than seeking resolution. The only advantage of inner work is that it makes the unconscious conscious. Those who do not seek to probe beneath the surface layer must make their peace with the fact that most of what they think, say and do is being motivated by unconscious forces beyond their control. Sadly very few accept this and like to have their cake and eat it too. Meaning they do not want to probe beyond the surface layer yet they want to believe they are fully in control of their beliefs opinions and choices. This is what has led to the polarized state of affairs in the world today. A bunch of blind people convinced they can see.
In the yoga tradition, Gyana yoga is the path of self-knowledge. It is the process of unearthing the self layer by layer. Bhakti yoga on the other hand is the path of devotion and faith. Meaning, we have no desire to unearth anything. We just accept on faith that all that occurs is divine providence and we devote ourselves to loving that. It is a powerful path but not for everyone.
I personally am more inclined to exploration than devotion but that is not to say that is the superior way. I generally manifest a balance between the two.
Thanks, Shiv, for your thoughtful, insightful and informative response. I'm in agreement about the importance of bringing what is unconscious into awareness. Let me suggest, based on experience and reading, a third option: simply rest with one's thoughts, within a participant-observer perspective, letting them flow unimpeded wherever they will, The unconscious will reveal itself without any effort expended - quintessential non-doing. This is not appreciably different than the free association techniques of psychoanalysis or choiceless awareness meditation. In fact, some suggest that the more the I/ego applies itself to doing the inner work probing the unconscious, the less the insight that will be unearthed. Of course, the approach that fails some, works for others.
As you no doubt see, the non-doing observation approach is similar to exploration as you described. But it is effortless rather than effortful exploration...receiving rather than reaching for (or probing). Balancing, for me, lies between effortless exploration and awe (which can subsume or be an aspect of devotion, I guess). I think, by grace, I'm fortunate to be awed by existence rather than troubled by its stench.
Hi Noel - I have been around the non-doing block for many years. Let me suggest that even non-doing can become an egoic event. The ego can be just as good at not doing as it is at doing. In fact, the ego can adapt to any approach you throw at it.
Evidence of this is the entire culture and industry of non-duality that has turned non-doing into a national sport. I have interacted with hundreds of individuals over the years who have been addicted to non-doing hence the title of my three books : Advaitaholics Anonymous.
Non-doing can be just as powerful at making the conscious unconscious as it is at making the unconscious conscious. In fact, that is why it is one of the most superior spiritual bypassing tools out there. And the vast majority of non-dual teachers out there not only teach bypassing but are masters of bypassing themselves.
In the end, whatever road one takes, know that that very road can become a bypass. That includes inner work, non-doing, devotion or what have you. Every path one walks on one can also use to run away.
The greatest barometer I have found one can use to gauge which of the two one is actually engaged in is the level of discomfort one allows oneself to feel. Too much suffering or too little typically indicates bypassing. Like goldilocks, the amount of suffering has to be juuust right!
On the edge of one’s comfort zone is where that sweet spot of authenticity lies….
This deep truth could not have been expressed with more clarity. Reading this today is so timely because I was confronted with a situation that has long been a pattern within me. More gunk to clear, and now much gratitude for having been triggered in order to see the pattern and work on it! Blessings to you Shiv, 🙏🏼❤️
“Joy witnessing joy. Love witnessing love. The horror and hilarity of our absurd shared predicament on full display. And all we can do is laugh uproariously.”
For years I participated in depth psychotherapy enthusiastic about moving the refrigerator and exploring all the plumbing. I did this for years finally resigning myself to endless “gunk-seeking” giving up hope of ever being “done.” then, one day in a group therapy session I noticed that I was bored. I knew I was “done.”
Psychologist Donald Winnicott came up with a term in child psychology - “good enough” parenting. One doesn’t have to be a perfect parent to raise a healthy child, but humanly good enough to supply the basics and trust the child to fill in the rest. My body told me that I had hit that personal “good enough” level and my soul wanted to stop the maniacal striving for perfection and simply be OK, comfortable in my skin.
Is there gunk still under my fridge and clogging my pipes, sure. But, it is at a communally acceptable level of human wretchedness so as to be still connected with my humanity. I was “good enough”, I was “done.” I trust that if the bile and unprocessed sewage accumulate, I will recognize the stench and instinctively do something about it. One can be done well enough and know that is an extraordinary accomplishment. Some are called to be monks and mystics before they’re done, but most of us are not called to that level of spiritual hygiene. We’re simply satisfied being a good human and avoiding causing harm to others.
Rightly so, John. ‘Done’ is an arbitrary and relative point we each select for ourselves when it feels appropriate. There is no absolute. The rabbit hole goes on forever
Yes, there is a rational concept of done and a subconscious “sense” of balance and completion. One can’t “know” they’re done, but they can sense when reaching a point of “good enough” for the moment. Thanks for the wonderful prompt. 🙏
That balance is not always static though. It may just be a sense of done for now. Who knows what tomorrow may bring ;)
Love this Shiv. I got sidetracked by this notion I'd heard in spiritual circles, of "liberation"
I feel lucky that I met a guy called Joe Hudson (not a guru, but has woken up) whom said "hey. You're still humaning" And then found people like you, and Robert Saltzman.
My own conclusion I came to, as an antidote to "liberation" is...I'm also never done with sweaty armpits....
I've had 3 years of undoing lots of conditioning. Meeting my pain, dropping identities, undoing limiting beliefs. I am, or the first time in my life, happy to be in my own skin.
Am I "done" ???
No. Life happens. Heartbreak still happens.
But guess what ? Nobody needs an umbrella on a sunny day.
In years gone by, those days when everything went wrong, my conditioning would automatically mean I'd double down on vicious self talk, and self hatred, beliefs that I was worthless, etc etc.
These days. If its one of those "rainy days"
I have my metaphorical umbrella of actually liking, and loving myself.
Thats my own version of done.
And I still feel humbled and grateful for it, after living my life wanting to escape.
Thats my version of done.
Shiv is the MASTER of analogy and metaphor, he always hits the mark, just when I think he’s done, he’s not 😅😅 (joke)
"inner work" ? Maybe it's exhausting because you see it as a work. See it as an exploration. Stop to "work on yourself", stop trying to "improve". Just see what you are, just be it, without judging it. Explore it. Explore the surface, explore the sewers, to take Shiv'analogy. Don't try to build something, just explore what's already there.
Yes, well said. Exploration is the key. Resolution is a welcome side effect.
Reading your marvelous text as a starter this morning on a vacation at an Italian seaside resort, being touched and having a good laugh, I dare say: My day is done ;-)
I love this, too…. I recall crying about something you(I) would cry about and laughing at the same time when recognizing that you(I) can’t escape the cycle of experience. It freed up a lot of energy to let go and rinse and repeat. Thanks Shiv💗🙏🌎
‘“I will NEVER be done!” Very few people arrive at this realization. Even fewer survive the wave of nihilism that sweeps over them like a tsunami right after, desecrating their worldview and leaving their lives barren of hope and motivation. Fewer still, find a way to tolerate their existence afterwards and to create some artificial purpose for it. And finally, only a handful learn to feel joy again.’
Beautifully articulated sobering slap in the face. We can’t escape from being hopelessly human.
👌we could say that these days you work better in parables😉 several years ago I had to stop my work as a psychologist to have time to process all the gunk that was present to me every time I had a new patient or every time some would't let go of their gunk. Now I simple acknowledge: we will never be Done. "mi gunk es su gunk"
"There is simply NO done." Agree - there is only and ever doing or non-doing (wu wei) in the Eternal Now. I would expect that even aspiring to be done is likely dysfunctional for most people.
Allow me to go further and propose that trying to improve oneself to reach an envisioned state of enlightenment, peace, happiness well-adjustment, or just "being a better person" is problematic. Following Alan Watts' formulation of the challenge as the "folly of self-improvement," i.e., the impossibility of the I pulling up the Me by their mutual bootstraps, one might consider not trying to remove the "stench" at all. Don't spend time finding and fixing problems with the floor, cabinets, refrigerator, pipes, and sewer. Why not, as Cedric suggests, just explore - or simply "observe" as Watts counsels.
Perhaps the way of non-doing the inner work also yields the "joy has come from learning to LOVE the stench of existence." Perhaps with this approach the "stench" (our judgment of the odor/human condition) evaporates. Shiv, in my view there are many paths to the realization and joy that you've have found and written about so eloquently. I'm certain that the relentless pursuit of inner work as you describe it is the path many follow. But as you describe, most pursue it unsuccessfully.
I would guess that most attempts at non-doing or sincerely abandoning the goal of self-improvement (however the individual defines it) are equally challenging and unsuccessful. It is certainly antithetical to Western culture. But for some people it might be a better alternative than relentless inner work. For many, it might be only after having repeatedly doing the inner work without success that the resulting sense of futility renders the non-doing path viable.
Shiv, I would value your thoughts on this. I should also note that Watts, like you, holds out no promise or hope of ever being "done" if one adopts the non-doing approach.
Noel - yes there is no requisite to explore the sewers. One can just as well simply bear the stench of existence with a smile. The exploration is more about curiosity than seeking resolution. The only advantage of inner work is that it makes the unconscious conscious. Those who do not seek to probe beneath the surface layer must make their peace with the fact that most of what they think, say and do is being motivated by unconscious forces beyond their control. Sadly very few accept this and like to have their cake and eat it too. Meaning they do not want to probe beyond the surface layer yet they want to believe they are fully in control of their beliefs opinions and choices. This is what has led to the polarized state of affairs in the world today. A bunch of blind people convinced they can see.
In the yoga tradition, Gyana yoga is the path of self-knowledge. It is the process of unearthing the self layer by layer. Bhakti yoga on the other hand is the path of devotion and faith. Meaning, we have no desire to unearth anything. We just accept on faith that all that occurs is divine providence and we devote ourselves to loving that. It is a powerful path but not for everyone.
I personally am more inclined to exploration than devotion but that is not to say that is the superior way. I generally manifest a balance between the two.
Thanks, Shiv, for your thoughtful, insightful and informative response. I'm in agreement about the importance of bringing what is unconscious into awareness. Let me suggest, based on experience and reading, a third option: simply rest with one's thoughts, within a participant-observer perspective, letting them flow unimpeded wherever they will, The unconscious will reveal itself without any effort expended - quintessential non-doing. This is not appreciably different than the free association techniques of psychoanalysis or choiceless awareness meditation. In fact, some suggest that the more the I/ego applies itself to doing the inner work probing the unconscious, the less the insight that will be unearthed. Of course, the approach that fails some, works for others.
As you no doubt see, the non-doing observation approach is similar to exploration as you described. But it is effortless rather than effortful exploration...receiving rather than reaching for (or probing). Balancing, for me, lies between effortless exploration and awe (which can subsume or be an aspect of devotion, I guess). I think, by grace, I'm fortunate to be awed by existence rather than troubled by its stench.
My gratitude for your writing...
Noel
Hi Noel - I have been around the non-doing block for many years. Let me suggest that even non-doing can become an egoic event. The ego can be just as good at not doing as it is at doing. In fact, the ego can adapt to any approach you throw at it.
Evidence of this is the entire culture and industry of non-duality that has turned non-doing into a national sport. I have interacted with hundreds of individuals over the years who have been addicted to non-doing hence the title of my three books : Advaitaholics Anonymous.
Non-doing can be just as powerful at making the conscious unconscious as it is at making the unconscious conscious. In fact, that is why it is one of the most superior spiritual bypassing tools out there. And the vast majority of non-dual teachers out there not only teach bypassing but are masters of bypassing themselves.
In the end, whatever road one takes, know that that very road can become a bypass. That includes inner work, non-doing, devotion or what have you. Every path one walks on one can also use to run away.
The greatest barometer I have found one can use to gauge which of the two one is actually engaged in is the level of discomfort one allows oneself to feel. Too much suffering or too little typically indicates bypassing. Like goldilocks, the amount of suffering has to be juuust right!
On the edge of one’s comfort zone is where that sweet spot of authenticity lies….
This deep truth could not have been expressed with more clarity. Reading this today is so timely because I was confronted with a situation that has long been a pattern within me. More gunk to clear, and now much gratitude for having been triggered in order to see the pattern and work on it! Blessings to you Shiv, 🙏🏼❤️
👌
dear shiv,
great piece! you've DONE it again!
love this phrasing: "For me, that joy has come from learning to LOVE the stench of existence."
thank you for sharing as always!
love
myq